Perils of the gym

Gyms are really little more than 21st-century torture chambers. The weights machines are ominously reminiscent of medieval racks. People run nowhere on treadmills lining the room - that's right folks, there's no way off once you're on. (Although a man trying to escape did fall off the one behind me the other day, before standing up and trying to look nonchalant. Ha!) The world's most irritating music blots out your hearing, while the mirror opposite reflects back bright red, sweaty versions of all the people around you. Torture is the only word. But all of these trials pale into significance in comparison with, wait for it... the changing room. More particularly with the TV innocently nestled in the corner between wood-clad lockers. Now if, like me, you're in the gym before work, and you start work at 9.30am, take a deep breath. Until about 9.25am, breakfast TV bubbles along without too much bother - a weather forecast here, a fashion report there. Even the 33-stone woman who appeared on screen did little more than send a ripple of renewed motivation round the room. But at 9.25am people stop changing to try to cover their ears. Onto the TV flickers the Jeremy Kyle show. Described by ITV's website as one of Britain's 'most-loved' shows, this is a truly tortuous parody of a talk show. Somehow I've managed to insulate myself from it ever since it started three years ago; perhaps you haven't been so lucky. I dread to think what confrontational diatribe from Jeremy Kyle, what angry, broken people, and what twisted stories I've missed. Even catching five minutes of it while I blow dry my hair is torture. Please, please. No more!